Whatever the Cost - Cancer Update #2 (Originally Posted on January 27, 2010)

When Jeremy and I were packing up our life this past December to put into a storage unit, amid the hustle and bustle, I found a few quiet moments to read a few entries from my journals over the past few years. It was neat to see what God has been teaching me over the past few years! And funny to see how goofy I can be (inserts "oh, I've been swept off my feet!" entries about Jeremy here).

In my journal from 2005, I found the entries from October 18, the evening I rededicated my life to Christ. That was a rough season. God was breaking my pride, anger, and bitterness, and I was pissed off. At Him, at my family, at my friends, at myself. Nothing made sense. Nothing seemed right or good. Satan was doing a spectacular job of enslaving me and blinding me, and I was withering inside. After months of fighting Him, one night, I finally sat down with a Bible, my journal, and a few boxes of tissues. Yes, I meant boxes, not just a few tissues. A few boxes of tissues.

Over 5 hours, I re-evaluated myself. My beliefs about God. Whether I wanted to trust Him. Whether I even liked Him. My life was pretty miserable, and at the time, I was looking for someone to blame (other than myself, of course!), and God was oh so available. Nothing seemed right in my life, and everything seemed wrong. Long story short, a box and a half of tissues later, I finally, finally got quiet. And that's when He spoke to me. He spoke to my spirit with His own, and my eyes suddenly began to see all these places in the Word about how much He loved me and how good He is, how merciful and compassionate. I didn't want to be thankful for God, I wanted to be mad at Him, so every time I came to one of those spots, I would slam the Book shut and randomly choose another place. I was in Psalms, the Gospels, Genesis, Esther, Isaiah, Exodus, Paul's letters...Some time later, I finally gave up and began to give in. God the Pursuer refused to give up on me, thank goodness, and I went through the rest of my tissues in a time of repentance and deep, deep gratitude. 5 hours later, I was spent, exhausted, and, strangely, more at peace and refreshed than I had felt in months.

One of the things that I wrote that night was that I was DONE with running away from God and refusing Him. I wanted so much to become like Jesus. I finally wanted it. More than anything I had ever desired. I told God that whatever the cost, I wanted to be like Him. I knew then that He would never leave me, no matter how bad my life got. I'll share my greatest fear with you: being left alone. I haven't conquered this fear yet, by any means. There are still times when I am afraid that I will be left alone to face the world. But, praise God, He is faithful when I am not!! I only have to turn back to Him and accept His grace after those times I take my eyes off of Him and focus on my fear. Which happens more times than I would like to admit.

I asked God that night to purify me and to refine me. I want so much for the world to see this masterpiece-in-progess that is my sad, broken life. I don't have much to offer Him, but what little I do have, I offer so gladly. What else could I do?

Since then, I have had many more ups and downs. Many mountaintops and many valleys. Vallies. Whatever. I am NOT going to my anal English-major self about that word.

This cancer has definitely been a valley. A frightening, deep, very, very scary valley. Today, I went to have my post-op check up with Dr. Arnold, my surgeon. There was good news and bad news, good news first. Good news: The incisions look great! The top one will have a weird looking scar, he said, which I really don’t care about, but he does, so after it has healed a bit more, he will numb it and “trim it up a bit”. Whatever that means. He has been so amazing, everyone. He cares about Jeremy and I SO much, I thank God for him daily! If you ever need a thyroid surgeon, let me know and I will give you his number.

Bad news: Not really “bad”, I just don’t like it, so it’s bad. ;-) Basically, I am still fighting fatigue. My body has been put through two major surgeries in a span of about 4 weeks, and the recovery process is frustratingly slow. Yes, I know I need to take it easy. Yes, I know that this will take time. Yes, I know that God’s time is perfect. I know, I know, I know. When you go from being a super busy woman, working a full-time job, serving your husband, ministering to friends and other couples to not even having the energy to get out of the house for more than 5-6 hours a day. Some days, I’m okay with it, sometimes it’s nice to not have a job and to have plenty of time to spend time with Jeremy and to study the Word. Jeremy’s mom waits on me hand and foot and spoils me ridiculously. There’s a benefit to being the wife of an only child. ;-) This time has been very, very spiritually replenishing, something that I have needed for months. Other times, I want to get out and go, go, go, and it is frustrating to not be able to. I am learning so much about when to stop and when to push myself.

I wish I could find a way to describe to you everything God is teaching me right now. What His grace really is. How, if I keep my eyes on His face, I feel secure, and adversely, when I tremble and stare at this mountain I am climbing how it can all overwhelm me. How Satan uses my pride to blind me and make me withdraw from those who love me and want to serve me.

I think the thing that has impacted and amazed me the most has been that God finds me worthy of this suffering. He has called me not to a life of comfort and convenience but to glorify Him by denying myself and dying to myself, just as Jesus did with His own life so that I could live. God has given me this cancer as a gift. Yes, I actually wrote that, and I am saying it more every day! This cancer is a gift. He has blessed me more than I will probably ever be able to comprehend. To know that He loves me enough to walk with me through the fire that is necessary to my growth, necessary in order that I will become more like Him. Tonight, I recalled my prayer that night in October, to become more like Him, whatever the cost. God is so gracious to answer our prayers! I am closer to Him now than I have been in a long, long time. That both makes me blissfully happy and heartbroken: happy that He is with me and has allowed this, sad that it took this to get me to this place. But, I am thankful for it. I am grateful for all of the pain, the sleepless nights, the tears, the side effects of the pain killers, the limitations it is putting on me…I have so much to be grateful for. He daily astounds me. All of that to be thankful for, not to mention the people He has blessed me with, my husband, my parents (all four of them!), my brothers and sisters, my church, my small group, my friends. Cripes! So, so, SOOOOO much to be thankful for!

As I was writing this, I was listening to worship music on Pandora and “Grace” by Laura Story came on. I stopped mid-sentence and listened in awe. Tears poured down my face as I listened to her sing of God’s “daily sufficient grace” and how patient He is and how I don’t deserve Him! It blows me away! I pulled it up on another website and have been listening to it over and over for the past 20 minutes. I’ve decided that it will be my theme song for this season. I love it. The lyrics are pasted at the bottom of this note.

If I had to go through all of this again, I would. No, seriously. I would! I have seen the other side, and the pain, hardships, and suffering was worth it. I am becoming more like Him, which is my heart’s desire. If this is the price, I would repay it for the rest of my life, if only I could become more like Him.

Abba, I am Your servant. Take me, use me, spend me. Take me and fulfill in me all of Your eternal purposes in and through the rest of my life. Whatever the cost.

Grace - by Laura Story

my heart is so proud
my mind is unfocused
I see the things you do through me as great things I have done
and now you gently break me
then lovingly you take me
and hold me as my father
and mold me as my maker

I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
and each time I will fall short of your glory
how far wil forgiveness abound
and you answer my child I love you
and as long as your seeking my face
you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace.

At times I may grow weak
and feel a bit discouraged
knowing that someone somewhere could do a better job
for who am I to serve you
I know I don't deserve you
and thats the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on

I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
and each time I will fall short of your glory
how far wil forgiveness abound
and you answer my child I love you
and as long as your seeking my face
you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace.

You are so patient with me Lord

As I walk with you I'm learning
what your grace really means
the price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary
so instead of trying to repay you
I'm learning to simply Obey you
by giving up my life to you
for all that you've given to me

I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
and each time I will fall short of your glory
how far wil forgiveness abound
and you answer my child I love you
and as long as your seeking my face
you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace.