Whatever the Cost - Cancer Update #2 (Originally Posted on January 27, 2010)

When Jeremy and I were packing up our life this past December to put into a storage unit, amid the hustle and bustle, I found a few quiet moments to read a few entries from my journals over the past few years. It was neat to see what God has been teaching me over the past few years! And funny to see how goofy I can be (inserts "oh, I've been swept off my feet!" entries about Jeremy here).

In my journal from 2005, I found the entries from October 18, the evening I rededicated my life to Christ. That was a rough season. God was breaking my pride, anger, and bitterness, and I was pissed off. At Him, at my family, at my friends, at myself. Nothing made sense. Nothing seemed right or good. Satan was doing a spectacular job of enslaving me and blinding me, and I was withering inside. After months of fighting Him, one night, I finally sat down with a Bible, my journal, and a few boxes of tissues. Yes, I meant boxes, not just a few tissues. A few boxes of tissues.

Over 5 hours, I re-evaluated myself. My beliefs about God. Whether I wanted to trust Him. Whether I even liked Him. My life was pretty miserable, and at the time, I was looking for someone to blame (other than myself, of course!), and God was oh so available. Nothing seemed right in my life, and everything seemed wrong. Long story short, a box and a half of tissues later, I finally, finally got quiet. And that's when He spoke to me. He spoke to my spirit with His own, and my eyes suddenly began to see all these places in the Word about how much He loved me and how good He is, how merciful and compassionate. I didn't want to be thankful for God, I wanted to be mad at Him, so every time I came to one of those spots, I would slam the Book shut and randomly choose another place. I was in Psalms, the Gospels, Genesis, Esther, Isaiah, Exodus, Paul's letters...Some time later, I finally gave up and began to give in. God the Pursuer refused to give up on me, thank goodness, and I went through the rest of my tissues in a time of repentance and deep, deep gratitude. 5 hours later, I was spent, exhausted, and, strangely, more at peace and refreshed than I had felt in months.

One of the things that I wrote that night was that I was DONE with running away from God and refusing Him. I wanted so much to become like Jesus. I finally wanted it. More than anything I had ever desired. I told God that whatever the cost, I wanted to be like Him. I knew then that He would never leave me, no matter how bad my life got. I'll share my greatest fear with you: being left alone. I haven't conquered this fear yet, by any means. There are still times when I am afraid that I will be left alone to face the world. But, praise God, He is faithful when I am not!! I only have to turn back to Him and accept His grace after those times I take my eyes off of Him and focus on my fear. Which happens more times than I would like to admit.

I asked God that night to purify me and to refine me. I want so much for the world to see this masterpiece-in-progess that is my sad, broken life. I don't have much to offer Him, but what little I do have, I offer so gladly. What else could I do?

Since then, I have had many more ups and downs. Many mountaintops and many valleys. Vallies. Whatever. I am NOT going to my anal English-major self about that word.

This cancer has definitely been a valley. A frightening, deep, very, very scary valley. Today, I went to have my post-op check up with Dr. Arnold, my surgeon. There was good news and bad news, good news first. Good news: The incisions look great! The top one will have a weird looking scar, he said, which I really don’t care about, but he does, so after it has healed a bit more, he will numb it and “trim it up a bit”. Whatever that means. He has been so amazing, everyone. He cares about Jeremy and I SO much, I thank God for him daily! If you ever need a thyroid surgeon, let me know and I will give you his number.

Bad news: Not really “bad”, I just don’t like it, so it’s bad. ;-) Basically, I am still fighting fatigue. My body has been put through two major surgeries in a span of about 4 weeks, and the recovery process is frustratingly slow. Yes, I know I need to take it easy. Yes, I know that this will take time. Yes, I know that God’s time is perfect. I know, I know, I know. When you go from being a super busy woman, working a full-time job, serving your husband, ministering to friends and other couples to not even having the energy to get out of the house for more than 5-6 hours a day. Some days, I’m okay with it, sometimes it’s nice to not have a job and to have plenty of time to spend time with Jeremy and to study the Word. Jeremy’s mom waits on me hand and foot and spoils me ridiculously. There’s a benefit to being the wife of an only child. ;-) This time has been very, very spiritually replenishing, something that I have needed for months. Other times, I want to get out and go, go, go, and it is frustrating to not be able to. I am learning so much about when to stop and when to push myself.

I wish I could find a way to describe to you everything God is teaching me right now. What His grace really is. How, if I keep my eyes on His face, I feel secure, and adversely, when I tremble and stare at this mountain I am climbing how it can all overwhelm me. How Satan uses my pride to blind me and make me withdraw from those who love me and want to serve me.

I think the thing that has impacted and amazed me the most has been that God finds me worthy of this suffering. He has called me not to a life of comfort and convenience but to glorify Him by denying myself and dying to myself, just as Jesus did with His own life so that I could live. God has given me this cancer as a gift. Yes, I actually wrote that, and I am saying it more every day! This cancer is a gift. He has blessed me more than I will probably ever be able to comprehend. To know that He loves me enough to walk with me through the fire that is necessary to my growth, necessary in order that I will become more like Him. Tonight, I recalled my prayer that night in October, to become more like Him, whatever the cost. God is so gracious to answer our prayers! I am closer to Him now than I have been in a long, long time. That both makes me blissfully happy and heartbroken: happy that He is with me and has allowed this, sad that it took this to get me to this place. But, I am thankful for it. I am grateful for all of the pain, the sleepless nights, the tears, the side effects of the pain killers, the limitations it is putting on me…I have so much to be grateful for. He daily astounds me. All of that to be thankful for, not to mention the people He has blessed me with, my husband, my parents (all four of them!), my brothers and sisters, my church, my small group, my friends. Cripes! So, so, SOOOOO much to be thankful for!

As I was writing this, I was listening to worship music on Pandora and “Grace” by Laura Story came on. I stopped mid-sentence and listened in awe. Tears poured down my face as I listened to her sing of God’s “daily sufficient grace” and how patient He is and how I don’t deserve Him! It blows me away! I pulled it up on another website and have been listening to it over and over for the past 20 minutes. I’ve decided that it will be my theme song for this season. I love it. The lyrics are pasted at the bottom of this note.

If I had to go through all of this again, I would. No, seriously. I would! I have seen the other side, and the pain, hardships, and suffering was worth it. I am becoming more like Him, which is my heart’s desire. If this is the price, I would repay it for the rest of my life, if only I could become more like Him.

Abba, I am Your servant. Take me, use me, spend me. Take me and fulfill in me all of Your eternal purposes in and through the rest of my life. Whatever the cost.

Grace - by Laura Story

my heart is so proud
my mind is unfocused
I see the things you do through me as great things I have done
and now you gently break me
then lovingly you take me
and hold me as my father
and mold me as my maker

I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
and each time I will fall short of your glory
how far wil forgiveness abound
and you answer my child I love you
and as long as your seeking my face
you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace.

At times I may grow weak
and feel a bit discouraged
knowing that someone somewhere could do a better job
for who am I to serve you
I know I don't deserve you
and thats the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on

I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
and each time I will fall short of your glory
how far wil forgiveness abound
and you answer my child I love you
and as long as your seeking my face
you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace.

You are so patient with me Lord

As I walk with you I'm learning
what your grace really means
the price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary
so instead of trying to repay you
I'm learning to simply Obey you
by giving up my life to you
for all that you've given to me

I ask you how many times will you pick me up when I keep on letting you down
and each time I will fall short of your glory
how far wil forgiveness abound
and you answer my child I love you
and as long as your seeking my face
you'll walk in the power of my daily sufficient grace.

Come and See What the Lord Has Done - Cancer Update #1 (Originally Posted on January 12, 2010)

Dear Friends and Family,

First, let me thank you for all of your prayers. They are working! I finally got home around 5:00pm today and after being at the hospital for 32 hours, I was ready to come home! The surgery was a success and there were no serious complications. Dr. Arnold, my fabulous surgeon, just went through the first incision he made three weeks ago to remove the rest of my thyroid. He did have to make a second incision because the skin above the first incision had begun to graft to the muscles in my throat. I am still not sure how that happened, but it is corrected now and should heal completely!

The first 12 hours after the surgery were the worst. Again, like my first surgery, we had a hard time getting the pain under control, and the anethesia caused me to be really nauseated for hours. Eventually, after the anesthesia wore off, I felt much better. I have been able to keep down clear fluids and some soft foods down, which is a huge praise! I am on a soft food diet for a day or two, and the nurses said to take it easy on the foods, to gradually move from soft foods to thicker and firmer foods.

Next steps? First, the rest of my thyroid will be taken apart by a pathology team to check for cancer. Dr. Arnold is confident that they won't find any, but he just wants to make sure. After my body settles down a bit, I will have a full body scan to make sure none of the cancer has spread. After that, I may possibly have to have radioactive treatment, but that is uncertain as of yet. Keep praying for a quick recovery. The pain isn't unbearable, but it is uncomfortable at times, so please pray that God would soothe my body.

This morning, while I was laying in my oh-so-comfy hospital bed (wink wink), I was reading in Psalms. God never ceases to amaze me. These past few days have definitely been hard, but the entire time, I felt His presence. I've asked Him to protect me from having a "pity party" attitude and to help me be strong. I've also asked Him to help me not push myself too hard. Which is a big request, if you know me. :-)

Psalm 46 really jumped out at me. I took the liberty to personalize it, so take note of that before you read it. :-) It encouraged me so much!

1God is MY refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble!
2Therefore I will NOT FEAR, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
3Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah.
4There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
5God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
6The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
7The LORD of hosts is with me;
The God of Jacob is my stronghold. Selah.
8Come, behold the works of the LORD,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
9He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
10"Sarah, cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
11The LORD of hosts is with me;
The God of Jacob is my stronghold. Selah.

I invite you to come and see what the Lord has done in my life. His love is everlasting and His faithfulness endures. I am nothing and He is Everything.

God, please help me to never, ever forget what You have done.

The Power of Prayer (Originally posted on Facebook on January 10, 2010

Hey Everyone -

Jeremy and I have gone back and forth about whether or not to say anything "public" about this. I don't want to be seen as a dramatic person or someone who is seeking, or wants, attention. I also usually don't like the entire world on facebook to know my business. :-) I know this note will seem like the opposite of that, but please understand that we are writing this note not because we want attention, but because we want and need your prayers.

Some of you know this, and some of you don't. For almost a year, I have been battling something that has been affecting my body. For a long time, we didn't know what was wrong. It's an extremely long story, but eventually we traced the problems to my thyroid. God has blessed me in huge ways in that He has lead us to doctors and specialists who aren't just good in their fields, they are some of the best in the nation. I have an endocrinologist and a surgeon who care about helping me get better, they aren't in their professions for the money. Jeremy and I are surrounded by extremely supportive families and an amazing network of our extended family and friends. Your prayers have gotten us this far, and we need them still. Most of all, we are thankful for a Father who has never left us or abandoned us when we need Him the most.

After a series of tests, discussions, and consultations, it was decided that half of my thyroid would need to be surgically removed. This surgery took place on December 18th and it went great! Since then, I have been spending my time recovering and enoying the holidays. Jeremy and I moved out of our apartment and are now living with Jeremy's parents to save money.

On January 6th, I went to see my surgeon for a routine check-up. It was just supposed to be a time for him to check the incision to make sure there were no infections, etc. During that appointment, my surgeon told me that while a pathologist was cutting up my thyroid, he found a small concentration of follicular thyroid cancer. There was a less than 1% chance they would find any kind of cancer, so it was a piece of shocking and completely unexpected news.

As a result, I will have to have a second surgery and a round of radioactive treatment. God has truly been faithful during this time. He has given us peace, an unbelievable sense of calm, and relief that He has revealed all of this at the right time. We have no idea how long I have had cancer, and to think it may have gone on for years and years before being found...Things could be so much worse than they are now.

My second surgery will be tomorrow morning at 10am at Baylor Dallas. Jeremy will be posting facebook updates as the day goes on, so be on the lookout for those. The story is much more detailed and longer than what I have posted here, so if you want to know more, feel free to ask. I personally like more details in a prayer request so I will know how to pray, so I don't mind others asking for more info.

I have to be at the hospital early in the morning, so I am about to sign off. I will respond to emails, texts, and facebook messages most likely late tomorrow night or Tuesday during the day. We would appreciate your prayers during this time and appreciate any encouraging words you might have. Jeremy has been a trooper during all of this, I can't imagine how I would react if the tables had been turned. We are completely confident in God's plan for us and in Him! We love Him and know that He loves us more than we could ever know or imagine.

We love all of you and will talk to you soon! Blessings!

Sarah and Jeremy